


Into the Heartache

by AgusVedder



Series: Heartache [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Casifer, Destiel - Freeform, Love Confession, M/M, Saileen - Freeform, Saileen mentions, Sam Winchester - Freeform, castiel - Freeform, season 11 canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2019-10-27 21:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17774333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgusVedder/pseuds/AgusVedder
Summary: After Dean's encounter with the banshee and his little talk with Mildred, he takes the decision to declare his love to Castiel.Oh, if he only knew....





	1. The confession

“Dean?” Sam called from the door at his brother sitting on the kitchen table, drinking a beer, applying a bag with ice on his right ear “Dean!” the tall one raised the voice this time, and finally He turned around surprised.

“What?” asked, speaking louder than usual. That Banshee really fucked him up.

Sam got closer and sat next to him “Cas is here, I asked him to heal your broken eardrums" He knocked his elbow on Dean’s ribs “Come on, he's waiting for you in your room” He smiled at his brother and winked, smug.

Dean moved backwards with a sour expression on his whole face “What are you, twelve?”

Sam smiled again “That's your way to tell me you're into Cas and I'm the annoying brother teasing you with your _crush_?”

Dean opened his eyes big, and he gasped like a fish outside the water “I-I don't know what you're talking about" He looked at the empty bottle with interest, and for the first time in his life, he found the label extremely interesting “… but you're right in one thing, you're a pain in my ass" He stood up and smacked him on the head. Sam laughed again in response.

Dean turned around frowning stranged, “and you’re in a good mood _because_ …?” He moved his hand back and forth, forcing his brother to answer

Sam’s lightheaded smile fell instantly and looked otherside “What do you mean?” He wondered and bit a nail.

Dean lifted a brow “What do I mean? You look like the freaking joker, man”

Sam straightened up looking at his hands “Eileen… texted me last night and we uhm… we talked a lot” He shrugged.

“Oohh!” Dean grinned at his brother “And _you_ are trying to school _me_ about crushes?” He threw his head back in a full belly laughter “Cmon Sammy, you should know better than that” He left the kitchen with a shit eating grin plastered on his face.

Dean walked through the halls and the smile on his face decreased. _Crush_. Inside his sore head the word keep bouncing and the headache he lost a couple hours ago threatened to come back in full force. Luckily Cas was there to heal his pain. To heal everything.

Dean stopped right on his tracks and leaned his forehead against the cold tile wall of the bunker’s hallway. Sam is right, and Dean knew it. Dean knew the way he felt about Cas since… always. He can’t pinpoint exactly when the brotherly feeling changed and evolved into something more. He didn’t even knew if it actually changed or if it always been the same. But now, with all this thing with the darkness, he could notice that it isn’t love what he feels about her. It’s a power play. Amara is controlling him, and it’s not attraction... it’s not connection, like he tried to explain Cas two days ago. It’s not.

Dean took a deep breath, and his head throbbed. He thought he was fine after what happened with the Banshee, but her screams were too intense, too overwhelming. He wished he were dead at that moment. Even his eyes bleed that night. And he thought Cas would be there to heal him when they went back, but he wasn’t. And it was weird. Cas was _acting weird_. First it was the depression, then he found the motivation in finding a way to kill the Darkness and his days locked inside his room binging Netflix shows ended.

He came back, fighting for them. For him.

After coming out of Lucifer’s cage together, Cas disappeared, like he always does. But Dean was aching to having him close, to mend things up with him. He felt like somehow me messed something up. He needed to know they were okay.

Mildred was right, he needed to follow his heart, as stupid as that sounds.

Dean breathed again and the pang of hurt in his forehead made his presence. He needed Cas to heal him, quickly. There’s no way to think straight in that condition.

He reached the doorknob to his bedroom, and hesitated for a second before turning it to the right to get inside.

First thing his eyes caught? A very comfortable Cas lying in the middle of his bed, looking at the ceiling. It seemed like he was looking at the stars. Maybe he could.

The breath got stucked in his throat, contemplating how nice Cas looked there, in his bed. Like he belonged there somehow. It wasn’t too much space and both of them were too big, but maybe if they hug they could be comfortable enough to spend the night together. All nights.

He shook his head to force the stupid romantic ideas fall out of it, just as Cas looked at him, and sat on the bed slowly.

“Hello, Dean” He said with his gavelly familiar voice. Even with the headache, hearing his voice and looking at those soft compassionate eyes, were always soothing.

“Hey, man” He smirked softly, and pressed his palm over his temples.

Cas closed the space between them fast and grabbed his elbow “Careful, Dean, come here, sit” He moved him to sit the bed, kneeling in the floor, in the middle of his legs, innocently.

Dean breathed deeply again. He knew that if it weren’t for the painful sensation inside his skull, he would find himself in a hard situation. Literally. Castiel’s presence was filling his senses, he was too close, too handsy. His hands and arms were too strong but soft at the same time, and the roughness in his voice was better than any drug.

“How are you feeling?” Cas asked softly, looking at him with a familiar frown.

Dean swallowed hard, and looked at his face, thinking about lying. He really considered it before conjuring strenght and spilling the truth “Not great” He replied, and his green gaze settled on his fleshy lips before being interrupted by a hard stab on the side of his skull.

“Shit” He whispered in pain, grabbing his head and pressing his fingers on it hard.

“Okay” Cas lifted his hands and pressed them against Dean’s, their fingers interwining in the process “Stay still, this might take a while” He spoke sweetly but completely focused on the task, eyes and lips half opened.

Dean closed his eyes, and felt the softness of Castiel’s hands. He always had a thing for those great hands, they were one of his favorite parts of Cas. Hands that could heal with such gentleness, but at the same time smite demons and fight heavenly battles. It amazed him.

The grace ran through his system, like a high speed drug. He could hear under his covered ears that Castiel was mumbling some sort of enochian spell. It must be more serious than he imagined, but again, he was too used to ignore the hurt, the discomfort. Maybe it was just his own destructive nature. Who knows.

The pain receded slowly. The headache began to disappear, and his head cleared up a little, but not enought. Dean opened his eyes and that unbearable preassure on his temples was replaced by Cas fragrance, by the way his lips moved while reciting that healing mojo, by the texture of his fingertips over his ears and knuckles.

His heart skipped a beat. They were so close. It is the perfect opportunity. Should he just… go for it?

“Cas” He could finally speak, and Castiel’s opened his eyes slowly, curiously

“I’m almost done” He said, tilting his head to the side.

“I need to tell you something” Dean whispered, and breathed deeply. He felt like his heart was trapped in the middle of his throat and there was no way to swallow it down.

Cas moved back just a few inches, to look at him better “What is it, Dean? You know you can tell me anything”

Dean breathed through his nose and exhaled through his mouth “I… This is so hard to say” He covered his face with his palms and Cas placed his hands on Dean’s thighs, distracting him completely from the shame, lighting up an implícit desire on the bottom of his gut. Maybe his feelings were reciprocated after all.

Dean observed those worry eyes, and the uniqueness of their blue helped him made up his mind “I love you” He blurted.

Cas’s eyes opened huge, more than Dean imagined they could “What?!” He asked, raising his voice, losing his characteristic deepness for a second.

Dean shed the last bit of shame out of his body and moved to caress his hands over Cas's resting on his legs “I’m in love with you” His heart was racing and his head was on fire “I always loved you, Cas… I… I didn’t knew how to tell you that I want to be with you” His breath got caught in his lungs and he tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. Whatever happens, he won’t cry.

He interwined his sweaty fingers with Cas’s, who was watching him, frozen, completely overwhelmed.

“I think… I think this could work between us… you know?” He looked at the angel’s lips, tempted, but let the thought slip out of his already melted brain. It was too much, too soon.

“You love me?” Cas inquired, surprised, and smiled.

His smile was nothing like the one Dean was waiting to see. It didn’t reach his eyes. It was sarcastic and cold.

“I love you, Cas” He repeated suddenly. His mouth absolutely didn’t check with his brain when he leaned foward, skimmering for a millisecond his angel’s bottom lip. He felt like he was about to burst into flames.

Cas jerked his head backwards, moving away from his friend’s mouth “What are you doing?!” He exclaimed, competely shocked “Are you insane?!” Yelled, standing up.

Dean was shocked, speechless. He was so sure Cas felt the same. The pain the banshee inflicted in him was nothing compared to this. This was worse.

Cas scratched his head, a gesture that called Dean’s attention. It wasn’t typical of him. Maybe he was too nervous about what he just did.

“I dont- I don’t love you, Dean! Not like that, okay?” He blurted out “You are my _brother!_ ” He yelled, impulsivelly.

Dean felt his chest was kicked by a horse. But not any horse. Troy’s horse. That size more or less. Actually, it felt exactly like that. He opened that door and was _so careful_ not to let anyone inside his walls, and now the fortress fell and everything was on fire.

“Brother...” Dean repeated, trying to embrace that words inside his mind, to embrace it. He wasn’t gonna lose Cas over this fuck up of his “Gotcha” He looked at his hands over his thighs, they were alone and sweaty, his nails hurting the skin underneath, even though he was wearing jeans “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable” His voice fell out of his mouth like a thread of sadness.

Cas smiled in desbelief, and denied with his head “I can’t believe you did that” He looked at Dean up and down on that bed, defeated. Even when he was a full, grown man, he seemed like a little puppy being scolded “I need to leave” His face was displaying a disgust gesture and opened the door, turning around for a second “Call me if you find a track on Amara” He slammed the door and Dean flinched. He still was looking down, unable to face the empty space in front of him.

On the other side of the door, Lucifer retreated Cas’ lips in a huge smile, and broke into laughter. He bent over himself, letting go all of the cackling he swallowed inside the room.

“The _big Winchester_ gay for _Cas_ _tiel_! Oh-my-dad!” He whispered by himself with wonder, and giggled for a second before trying to compose himself.

After a few seconds he cleaned the tears of joy out of Cas’s face “Well, let’s see what my little tenant thinks about it” He closed Cas’ eyes and dug into the angel’s memories.

A hug here, a little stare there. Lots of SORRYs. Lots of eye fucks. Couple “ _I need you_ ”s. Heart eyes there. Smiles and brief glances at lips. Broken connections. A profound bond. A claim made in the human’s soul. A fall.

Lucifer shrugged “Look at that… the lame pet feels the same” The corners of Cas’ lips went down “Heh” He displayed a crooked smile and quickly walked out of that filthy bunker.

 

Dean lay on his bed, alone, cold. Brokenhearted. Wandering tears fell from his closed eyes to his ears. At least now he could hear the sounds of his own sobbings. But the headache was still there and now it wasn’t alone. He never fell such unbearable pain thanks to a romantic deception. Something wasn’t right. It was probably himself. He was such a fuck up. Amara held him from the neck like a slave and the only one who could save him just left.

Dean cried his eyes out for six hours before getting out of bed, taking a shower and preparing himself a strong cup of coffee.

Sam came into the kitchen, peeking his head on the door “Hey, how do you feel about chinese?” He asked, nauseatingly optimistic.

“Not hungry, busy.” Dean replied lost in the Lore book he was studying carefully.

Sam furrowed his brows “Hmmmkay? I’ll make myself a sandwich then”

Dean sighed, annoyed and swallowed the perpetual lump on his throat. He kept reading that paragraph over and over, and spoke before Sam could ask what’s wrong.

“Did you know what a Hand of God is?” He said, looking at his brother, trying to display the most normal face possible.

Sam noticed, the redness around his eyes, the little veins, the swallowed cheekbones. Finally denied with his head.

“I think I found something” Dean smiled, not quite meaning it.

Sam frowned, but his nerd nature made him bit the hook, and sighed “Okay, tell me about it”

 


	2. Love not only hurts... Love's a bitch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his confession, Dean has to face his deepest darkest desire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon divergent from "Love Hurts" (11x13).
> 
> Hope you enjoy a little more angst!

“Good morning” Sam greeted his brother who just walked in the kitchen with a zombie face.

 

“Morning Sammy!” Dean said with a huge exaggerated smile “Happy Valentines Day!” 

 

Sam frowned and observed him up and down, his eyes settling on a huge purple hickey on his neck “What happened to you?” 

 

The big brother smiled slightly while serving himself some coffee “Well, he was a biter” He shrugged while sitting on the table in front of Sam and took a small sip of his mug “At first I thought he was a damn vampire… he was  _ that wild... _ ” He wiggled his brows.

 

Sam raised a hand, and squinted in disgust “Okay, alright… I don’t wanna hear details but… since when do you sleep with  _ dudes _ ?” He asked genuinely curious.

 

Dean lowered his mug and looked at him in the eye, defiant “Since I feel like it” He answered smiling bitterly “I thought you knew about it” he shrugged

 

The corner of Sam’s lips went down “I guess I did but I never imagined you picked guys for one night stands too” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes “Well, I’m not here for you to judge me so…” He smiled without a hint of amusement.

 

Sam sighed “I’m not judging, dumbass!” he denied with his head “I did it too” He confessed at Dean’s perplexed face “I’m pansexual”

 

“Really?” Dean asked, startled “Whoa Sammy, we’re more alike than I thought we were” He breathed out a laugh “...With whom?” 

 

Sam huffed but replied anyway “Okay… remember Bradley?” 

 

Dean’s face fell “Are you kidding me? That douche  _ demon _ ?”

 

“I didn’t know he was a demon back then!! It was long before Jessica and  _ he  _ broke up with me” Sam informed, almost shouting.

 

“Now I understand why you were so mad at him…” Dean said, finishing his coffee in a long gulp “Well… you certainly have a  _ Demonic Type _ ” He quoted in the air.

 

Sam bitchface was almost corrosive “Yeah, because you  _ weren’t  _ Crowley’s sweetheart for a few months, huh...sure” He uttered a loud snort looking at his computer “And stop hanging up with Cas, you’re repeating his nerd mannerisms” He said distractedly. 

 

Dean’s face hardened but let the subject go. The last thing he wanted to do was talking about Cas with his brother. 

 

“Please tell me we got something on Amara… I need to  _ kill... _ ” He stood up to serve some more coffee.

 

Sam turned the computer to him “We don’t, but… a babysitter with her heart ripped out” He offered with a smirk.

 

“On Valentine’s Day? What is it… an  _ ironic  _ werewolf?” Dean said, self satisfied.

 

His brother huffed a laugh “Yeah, it looks like it… so, you’re game?” He challenged.

 

“Always” Dean stood up, ready to go “I’ll go change”  

 

“Why don’t you take a shower?” Sam advised, wincing “You smell like  _ Axe Chocolate _ ” 

 

Dean frowned and smelled his shirt. It smelled like last night’s fun.  

 

“Like I said...  _ Wild _ ” He shot before leaving the kitchen with a fake smile on his lips. 

  
  


\-------------------------

  
  


Whole minutes seemed endless looking for that damn heart in that basement. Dean heard footsteps walking towards him and sighed, tired. 

 

“Find anything?” He turned around and words stuck in his throat. 

 

There it was… the creature they were hunting for, and it took Amara’s shape.

 

“Hello, Dean” It said in Amara’s quiet voice “Finally I can see you…” 

 

Dean took a small step back and took his gun slowly out of his pants “Oh yeah, I’m a sight for sore eyes, am I?”

 

“Yes” It affirmed “You’re such a mystery behind all those layers…”

 

Dean smiled, amused “At least I’m myself… you’re not Amara… Qareen” 

 

The genie grew serious “Who I am doesn’t matter… What matters is that I can feel you now… I can sense your longing...”

 

Dean cocked an eyebrow “You don’t know me…” 

 

She shot a creepy smile that froze the hunter’s bones “I do…I can see inside your heart, feel the love you feel, except... it’s cloaked in shame”

 

"cloaked in shame? What the hell do you mean by that?" Dean yelled losing his patience, aiming at the Qareen's head.

 

"I think you know what I mean" It answered, smiling lightly "You don't love Amara, you never did" It said at Dean's stunned face "And now you can't deny the truth anymore… because I’m close enough to smell  _ him _ ..." The qareen finished and it's face swelled, the face that was Amaras, a few moments later was transforming into a man's face. 

 

Castiel's face. 

 

The long dark dress turned slowly into a long tan trench coat and in a blink everything else transformed exactly into the angel. Even the last detail. The white shirt that hugged his chest, the careless tie turned around… the stubble… the lips… the blue eyes.

 

"You have me so deep buried inside your heart… your biggest desire… And now I'm here" It said, completely serious

 

Dean gasped and squeezed his eyes shut for just a second. This  _ can't _ be happening. 

 

“You’re not him” He uttered, suddenly out of breath. Looking at that gorgeous face made him ache, shiver… all the feelings coming back together. He didn’t even want to think about the last time he saw him, the rejection was too painful ” You… You are not…" 

 

Whats-his-name wasn't useful at all the other night, it looks like he will never stop thinking about Cas. 

 

The Qareen smiled gruesomely, retrieving Cas’ lips on a huge smile that looked nothing like his owner’s “He’s not himself either and you love him anyway… I can smell it now that I’m next to you” It said with the angel’s gravelly voice, analyzing Dean’s steps with his blue eyes “When it comes to this…” It said, unknotting the tie on his neck “... you can’t help it…" It licked his lips in a provocative manner "So give in”

 

Dean’s eyes got teary. He hated this… why does he always have to put himself in these situations?  He squeezed his eyes shut and a wayward tear fell on his cheek. 

 

The qareen walked slowly but closer by the second and Dean saw no other choice. He breathed deeply and fired his gun at his chest. The shot had no effect on the genie, but it cut a piece of blue and white striped cloth that fell almost reverent to the floor. 

 

"That won't hurt me, Dean…" The fake Cas mumbled through his beautiful desirable lips "Why are you trying to stop me? I just want to kiss you…" He confessed. 

 

Dean lowered the gun and walked backwards as the genie moved closer to him “No” He whispered.

 

The creature moved foward non stop “Dean… I love you” Castiel said.

The hunter’s air got stuck in his throat. He waited so long to hear those words and they weren't even real. It was torture.

 

Dean closed his eyes as his back touched the wall. It was just a matter of time until he got his heart ripped out, literally. Metaphorically, it was already on the floor and completely stepped on. 

 

He felt the warmth of Castiel’s closeness, and his scent. It didn’t smell like him at all. He opened his eyes to face his fate and saw them… black eyes staring back at him… but not like demonic eyes, just… black irises. 

 

It wasn’t his Cas. It wasn’t the man he loves.

 

But the creature’s fist was already travelling towards his chest at full speed and he didn’t have time, so he closed his eyes shut hard and fast, waiting for the inevitable. An ending more than ironic for him, who went to hell and back, who was saved by the angel he loves so much… and now his face was the last thing he’ll ever see.

  
  


...But nothing happened. Nothing made a hole in his chest and the bitter scent of the creature disappeared.

 

Dean opened his eyes, scared of what he could find, and he saw the qareen away from him with a terrified expression.

 

Suddenly the whole creature lightened up and looked at Dean with Castiel’s puppy eyes… and with a loud scream, it disappeared on a small black hole in the middle of the room. 

 

Dean blinked disconcerted, his eyes still filled with unshed tears. 

 

He could face hell and throw fists against Lucifer himself, but he couldn’t face a cheap imitation of Cas? 

 

He was so far gone it terrified him. 

 

Suddenly he heard the rushed steps of his brother coming down the stairs and he hurried in sobering up the sad expression on his face. 

 

“I heard a shot! Are you okay?” He asked his brother, coming near him,observing him up and down, checking for injuries.

 

“I-I’m fine… what took you so long?” He complained, not quite displaying a mad face, and he left, almost running towards the stairs. 

  
  


“I’m fine too, thanks for asking!” Sam yelled at his back. He looked around. No signs of struggle or fight, but then, a bright blue piece of cloth  next to an empty casket called his attention. He walked next to the wall and picked it up… Why did it looked familiar? …

 

Suddenly his frown cleared up and he got it.

 

Cas’ tie.

 

He put the small piece of blue cloth in his pocket and run upstairs. They had a dead witch to bury. 

 

Eventually Dean will talk about what’s going on with him. 

 

\------------

 

“So… You gonna keep me in suspense here or what? Who was it? Bach or Simpson?” Sam inquired, curiously when they were back on the motel. 

 

“What?” Dean replied, distractedly folding his clothes to pack them into his travel bag. 

 

“Yeah… Daisy Duke” His brother said, the small quirk of his lips evolving into a goofy smile that fell as soon as he caught Dean’s expression.

 

“Neither” He admitted, looking sorrowfully at his brother “It was…” 

 

_ Cas. _

 

“...Amara”

 

“...Amara?” Sam frowned, more worried than stranged “Are you telling me  _ The Darkness _ is your deepest darkest desire?” 

 

Dean sighed and put his head between his hands “I- I don’t know, Sam… I don’t understand it either.. I guess it has something to do with the mark” 

 

Sam observed the ugly carpet for a couple of seconds “...actually, that makes sense… I get it” He said, shrugging carelessly. 

 

Dean looked at him in disbelief “That’s it? You  _ get it _ ?” He mocked his young brother. 

 

“Yes, Dean, now I get why you can’t sleep, why you’re acting so grumpy… why you have that awful hickey on your neck” He scolded him with his tone but his eyes were compassionate “You were going through all of this by yourself… being in love with our enemy…”

 

Dean cut him up dryly “That’s not true, Sam… I’m not in love with  _ her _ … I want her ass  _ dead _ ” He growled.

 

Sam lifted his hands in defense “Okay, okay… Of course you do… Dean, no one blames you for this, we’ll find a way to beat her, okay?... It’s just… you been acting so  _ weird  _ lately… I’m worried about you, that’s it” He finished, waiting for his brother to answer with the truth. 

 

After long seconds of silence and a very thorough eye aversion, he lifted his gaze to his brother’s “Sam… that’s because of Cas” he admitted out loud for the first time, and it hurt like hell.

 

Sam kept the silence and raised his eyebrows “You’ll kill me for this but I knew it… I knew it wasn’t just a platonic relationship… I  _ knew  _ you wanted more with him”

 

“Then why didn’t you say something?” Dean yelled “You could’ve helped me with that! Letting me know he doesn’t feel the same!”

 

Sam moved back on his chair, gaping like a fish “...What are you talking about? Of course he feels the same about you!” 

 

“No, he doesn’t, Sam” Dean lowered his eyes “He made it very clear the other night…” 

 

Sam pressed his fingers over his closed eyes “Shit… That’s not possible…” He murmured “I was so sure…” 

 

"Well, I wasn't… but I guess love's a bitch, isn't it?" He picked his duffle bag and left the room..

 

Sam covered his mouth with a hand, eyes fixated on the ugly carpet “Love” he mouthed and closed his eyes, putting his hand inside his pocket, caressing the small piece of striped cloth. 

 

He definitely need to talk with Cas. 


End file.
